I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.