Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….