The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.