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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.