[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*pokes sex life with a stick
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.