[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
next question.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time