If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
awkward
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Who chose this font
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.