why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up