I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
🤣😈🤣
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?