I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!