Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.