I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
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If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent