After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.