Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.