The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish