Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″