CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Free him
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Good morning!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
When he asks for feet pics
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
They’re not wrong
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.