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If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
🌱🌱🌱
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.