BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene