Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.