[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.