Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Why I divorced her.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.