The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.