MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals