I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.