me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.