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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’