I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
You Might Also Like
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Coffee for people with no kids
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.