Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
dam girl
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
He took my last fry, your honor
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok