wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
can’t catch a break
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
incredible text to wake up to
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*