My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.