I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.