Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
You Might Also Like
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?