Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
This bar smells like my childhood.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
this has to be peak English
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.