Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.