wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
The asteroid..
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me working on my assignments ^-^
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows