Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby