Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Florida be like…
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied