There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
You Might Also Like
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
concern
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
where the womens at?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The happy life.. 😊
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE