There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good