so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Sign at work today
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My blood type is b hungry.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos