Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.