COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…