I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.