If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please