When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway