My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
You Might Also Like
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on