From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.