An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*