Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.